Copy Cat!

I haven't written in a while. I get like that... I didn't make a big fuss when we were Home Study approved. Well, I posted it on Facebook but I didn't write a blog about it. But in Adoption Blog world it's a HUGE deal. They call it being "Paper Pregnant".

It's just hard for me to say that I'm pregnant of any kind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that in order to fully commit myself to the adoption process, I had to mourn my dreams of being pregnant. I had to grieve that idea, the images and fantasies. I had to get out of my mind the image of a positive pregnancy test, the first Dr.'s visit, morning sickness, flutters, weight gain, belly pictures, back aches, Mr.M talking to my stomach, all the pregnancy dreams I ever had. So, yea, it's hard to say, "I'm paper pregnant!" For others that works for them, but for me I feel like I'm pretending, I'm faking it to make it. Anyway.... I hadn't planned on blogging today but that one just came out.

I have been blog stalking though and I came across a post that I could have written myself. I didn't though. This women seemed to write exactly what I feel. I don't know her but I've made sure to put her blog addy on here so you don't think I'm a real faker. Is that an oxymoron? I love that word, "oxymoron". LOL

The Great Divide

Posted on April 14, 2011 by adoptchange 

http://adoptchange.wordpress.com/

You’re pregnant…I’m paper pregnant (aka: have a completed home study)

You’re reading pregnancy books and parenting books…I’m reading adoption blogs and birth mother profiles

You’re decorating a nursery…I’m decorating an adoption scrapbook for birth mothers to review

You’re scared of stretch marks and how you are going to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight…I’m scared of the potential health consequences of not ever being pregnant (increased cancer risk, etc.)

You’re worried if breastfeeding will hurt…I’m worried how baby and wallet friendly bottle feeding will be

You’re researching baby products to find out their safety ratings…I’m researching the effects of drugs and alcohol in case I’m presented with a case where one or both were used during the pregnancy

You’re wondering who the baby will look more like…I’m wondering how the world around me will react if my baby is of another race than me

You’re stressed about your portion of the hospital bill for the birth…I’m stressed about the mountains and mountains of legal fees I’m going to have to pay

You’re counting down the days until your due date…I’m counting the days that have passed since I completed my home study with no adoption placement in sight

You’re enjoying baby showers and the attention that comes with being pregnant…I’m *trying* to enjoy the quietness that stills exists in my life for now (and will continue for an undisclosed period of time)

You’re not sleeping thanks to the baby’s moments…I’m not sleeping thanks to not having a baby and wondering when it will happen

You’re nesting…I’m dying to nest

You’re deciding if you should start a college fund now…I’m deciding what items I’ll pay a birth mother for during her pregnancy (clothes, transportation, medical, rent, etc.)

You’re excited and nervous for what the future will hold for your baby…I’m excited and nervous for what the future will hold for my baby

You’re becoming a mom through biology…I’m becoming a mom through love

by adoptchange 

http://adoptchange.wordpress.com/

If one more "professional" tells me...

how difficult it will be to be chosen by a birthmother, I'm going to flip!!!

Don't know if you are all familiar with my situation but here's the Cliff notes version.

I have Muscular Dystrophy, use a wheelchair, work full-time, volunteer, advocate, yada yada. My "husband" of 9 years and I are not legally married.

Not by choice.

We had a ceremony and live like every other married couple.

IF we were to legally marry than I would lose my medical insurance and personal care attendants’ (which I need for daily living). Our incomes would be combined and I would then be ineligible for my medical and with a pre-existing condition... you get it.

Well... we are with an agency but I've also been looking into other places. I always explain the situation, I normally get a

"Sorry but we find that unmarried couples are not stable and don't get picked by BM's"

Got it. Fine. I understand but it seems like lately more and more doors have been shut in our faces. I had one place send me a page of reasons why BM’s don’t pick unmarried couples.

"Contact us when you get married."

 Or all the grants and loans say "husband" and "wife" "Date of marriage".

 Ug... on top of that yesterday I was talking with a lawyer and he said,

"Because you are disabled your chances of being chosen by a BM are much lower."

Yes-thank you, I know! Hey, that's my life. It's harder.

"Oh you're right Mr.Lawyer man. What was I  thinking? I forgot that I am damaged goods and why should I be allowed to experience the joys and pains of motherhood? My Bad! I'll just roll back under the rock I came from and you won't have any trouble outa me"

HA! I'm tough. I'm a fighter! But when it's something that is so near to my heart. Something so important, don't step on my dreams.

A birthmother will pick us. Why? Because we are awesome! Duh! So, there!

****For my next rant and rave I will be complaining about our AL and her supervisor! Our HomeStudy was suppossed to be complete early this month. It is now almost Septemeber and her supervisor has not signed off on it!!!!!! Without the HomeStudy we can't do ANYTHING!!!! No grants/loans/inquiries into kiddos. NADA!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?????

j/k-I'll try to be more patient. :)

Five years ago today

Five years ago today I made the best decision of my life. I proclaimed my love, commitment and loyalty to my best friend and life partner. On July 22, 2006 Mr. M and I exchanged vows promising to always be there for one another, treat each other in a loving way (even when we aren’t feeling very loving), respectful, open, forsaking any other for the rest of our lives. If given the opportunity again, knowing everything I know now. All the arguments, difficult times, moves, beginnings, endings, sorrows, blessings and every-days, I would make those same vows all over again.

To this day, and since the first day we met over 9 years ago, I still get butterflies and goose bumps when my husband kisses me or smiles my way. When he walks into a room there is a hush, everyone seems to know that someone important and special has entered. Could this get even mushier? The mushiest thing of all, I truly feel these things.

I’ve always believed that the universe had a way of balancing itself out; everything happens for a reason; a yin for every yang. Maybe because I’m disabled, <enter chosen deity or belief here> the Universe, Mother Earth or God guided me to my life partner so early on. I was 21 when I met Mr. M. It was like I heard

 “Ok, so this wheelchair thing sucks, but I’m going to make up for it with this guy. Enjoy.”

To which I say, “It’s cool, I get it. Thanks for the boobs too”. J (I prayed for big boobs when I was 8)

I love you Mr. M, today, tomorrow and forever…

Ouch, that hurt!

I was reading through some posts on-line about adoption, like usual. One title really caught my eye. It said something along the lines of “Agency turned us down because of medical history”. A woman was talking about how she and her husband were trying to adopt from Russia and they were denied because she has Marfan's (I had to look it up too) and her husband is bi-polar. Yadayada, not the point. Well, that did scare me since I am physically disabled but I “hear” that other countries are more stringent when it comes to parents with disabilities, so it didn’t get to me too much since we are adopting domestically.

Anyway, a woman responded with her own frustrations having  Marfan's and adopting; very understandable. But she continued and said something like, “My doctors say I’m fine, it’s not like I’m an invalid.” Ouch, that hurt!

I know I know, it’s not like she was saying, “At least I’m not an invalid like that dumb chick Shanell who thinks that she’s going to adopt!” But that’s what I heard. It’s not fair to pick on this woman, she is probably sweet as candy but that’s my reality.

I am an invalid. I am in a wheelchair. I can’t dress myself, bathe myself, brush my own hair, or take a shower by myself. I need help to do most everything. I don’t get the benefit of the doubt. I can explain and explain and explain but everyone already looked at me and saw me for what I am, an invalid. (Booooooooooooo for self-pity. Boooooooooooooooooooo)

So why do I want a baby so bad? Why? Even if I could get pregnant, it would be such a struggle. My body probably couldn’t handle it anyway. I’d be weaker, it would be harder, I wouldn’t be able to work. I don’t want that, but I want a baby. A few months ago I contacted a fertility clinic. The lady was excited to help me but said they couldn’t unless I had a letter from my doctor saying I was healthy enough to have a baby. Yea, that put a stop to that one. I hate that crack heads can pop out 10 babies, are they healthy enough to have a baby? “It’s not like I’m a crack head!” Sorry if I offended any crack heads out there.

More to come Chickies! I’m feeling chatty today!

Limbo…not the game

Now I feel like we are sort of in a limbo of sorts. Our book is still being review by our AL and her supervisor. AL is writing up our Home Study and I’m, well… I’m going crazy! I’m much better when I have something to do, a goal, a timeline. Not to say that I was particular excited about the mountain of paperwork, fingerprints, time creating the book, but at least I felt like I was doing something.

To pass the time, sometimes Mr. M and I look at the kiddos available for adoption through the state. Every state has photolisting of kiddos that need Forever Families. We like to keep all of our options open so we look at those. Ideally I want a newborn. For me, I want the entire experience of being a mom. I want to experience all these things with Mr. M. For him, that part isn’t so important. He wants to be a Daddy again. He would bring home any kid needing a home and love them as his own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stone cold monster kicking kids to the curb, I just have a different need at this time. Selfish…but isn’t wanting a child selfish anyway? I mean, most people want kids to pass on their genes, family names, features, etc. A littler version of themselves, no?  Anywhoo, I digress. I saw the two most beautifulist kiddos. The Girl is 3 and the Boy is 1. They are siblings. I forwarded Mr. M their pics and he wrote back “Those are our kids”. Admittedly I did get a little excited. They are young enough to bond with us but old enough to be a little more self-sufficient. Best of both worlds, right? I called the contact number, no answer. I emailed them. They responded with a generic, "Thanks for your interest in “Girl” and “Boy” email. I call again, I email again, I call again, I email again…. Don’t these people know we’d be the best parents for these babies??? Guess not. If we were able to adopt from the foster care system a lot of our financial worries would be alleviated. Meaning, more $$ to spend on the babies!!!! But no one will get back to us. I asked AL last time she came by and she said that her agency doesn’t work with state kids. L I don’t know how satisfied I am with AL at this point anyway. I know it’s just the beginning but I don’t get the vibes from her that she likes us. Sounds silly but in order to convey to a birthmother that a certain couple should parent her child, she should like us. People can sense inauthenticity and I don’t want that getting in the way. I contacted another agency that gives more options. They work with Foster-to-adopt as well. Also, they don’t accept Home Studies from other places UNLESS you want to adopt a black baby. Ah! Yea! Pick me, pick me! It’s ridiculous to me that children should be separated out like that but whatever. Mr. M and I don’t care about race. I mean we do, we understand our society views things and all that crap but when it comes to bringing a baby home to love and raise, it wouldn’t matter if it was green with antlers.

This process is enough to make one pull their hair out and sit in a corner rocking and mumbling. I KNOW everything will work out. I KNOW our child(ren) will join us when it the right time. I KNOW all with be right, but I don’t want to wait. I want it NOW NOW NOW!!! J

Later chickaroos!

I'm a lover not a fighter

I haven’t posted since my brother left. I guess you could say I was trying to “hide” from anything that reminds me of him. It’s better now. The day he left I felt a huge pang in my gut. Like someone had punched me and I was hunched over gasping for air. Dramatic, I know. I am, always have been. I’d like to think it adds to my charm. Really though, I was taught to love with all that I have and when you do that, it hurts.

Last week AL came by for our last Home visit before she can write up our Home Study. So now, we wait… She said it should take her about 2 weeks to write up our Home Study. Then we take a look at it, add or edit, then wait on “approval”. Ug! Growing up I never got “picked” for anything or won contests. Although I’ve always been “different” I’ve never really stood out for anything exceptional. I am NOT competitive in the least and would rather give in then “fight”. So, I’m hoping that this process is not like that. This time I want to “win”. I want this child that I’ve never met, done know and may not even be born or conceived at this moment, so bad I ache. I feel it with every pore in my body. It’s one of the few things that I’ve ever wanted so bad that I’m willing to “fight”. Hopefully we won’t have to.

I finally completed our profile book that will be handed out to potential birth mothers. There are still some typos I need to correct and AL wants me to send it to her first. After she OK’s it or suggests edits I’ll be able to order 5 copies of it! It sucks that most people get chosen based on their books but if that’s the game, I better play. I’m not too creative so I purchased a digital scrapbooking program. It’s pretty straight forward but it was a LOT of work. I was hoping to be able to print the pages myself (cost saver) and put them in an album but so far my test prints don’t look very good.  I’m going to keep trying but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to break down and order the books.

Sad day...(UPDATED)

If you didn't guess by the title, today is a sad day. (Audience says "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww") <insert overexagerrated sad face>

My brother is moving. He has been living with us since October of '10. He has been invaluable to our family and he is just freaking awesome to be around. He isn't just my brother, he is my best friend. I know he has to "do his own thing" and I find comfort in knowing that he will be successful but I'm sad he is leaving. We've had to say "bye" too many times in our lives. With an 8 year age difference so many of our pivitol moments weren't at the same times. He was only 12 when I went to college. I hated leaving him then. I would have taken him with me if I could. He's 22 (in a few days) now and I'm 30 and it sure doesn't hurt any less.

I take solace in knowing that he will be back soon to visit, but there's nothing like having your best friend/brother around 24/7.

I'm so proud of you! Love you! Have fun!

SO AFTER DELAY AFTER DELAY AND CANCELLATION AFTER CANCELLATION MY POOR BROTHER HAD TO GET ON A DIFFERENT FLIGHT AT 7 THIS MORNING! WE DROPPED HIM OFF AT THE AIRPORT AT 2 AND HE COULDN'T GET A ROOM OR ANYTHING TILL 630! AT LEAST EVERYTHING WORKED OUT AND HE IS ON HIS WAY. THERE WERE A FEW CASUALITIES ALONG THE WAY. THE POOR DRY CLEANER GUY WAS CALLING AND TEXTING ABOUT A PAIR OF PANTS WHILE I'M TRYING TO FIGURE STUFF OUT FOR MY BROTHER. HE ENDED UP GETTING AN EARFUL FROM A VERY FRUSTRATED ME. OOOPS, SORRY DRY CLEANER GUY.

Dear Birthmother

This has been the most difficult letter I have ever had to write. I wanted to be able to introduce US without being too self-righteous. I want her to know about the kids. I wanted her to know how much we love each other and how much love we have for this child who isn't even here yet. I wanted her to know about my disability but I didn't want her to think that it would inhibite me from being a mother. I hope I was able to convey all these things. Please, Please, Please give me your feedback. My feelings will not be hurt, this is the most important thing I've ever written and I feel like I can't get all my feeling across.
Tell me what you think...

Dear Birthmother-

Hi! We are Mr. M and S. We have been together for over 9 years and have built our relationship on love, laughter, trust and understanding. We have always been firm believers that “everything happens for a reason”. There were several events, paths and decisions that brought us all to this moment. We thank you for taking the time to get to know us. We are thrilled at the possibility of expanding our family through adoption. It is our hope that throughout the following pages you will get a sense of who we are as a couple, individuals and parents.

Like many other couples going through the adoption process, we have dealt with infertility. We have tried for several years to have a baby together. In time we realized that sustaining a pregnancy wouldn’t be a reality for us. Here we are, hoping to grow our family through you. We truly feel that every single child deserves love, security, self-worth and the skills to succeed. We also feel that knowing who you are and where you came from helps to grow an independent, loving and empathetic adult. This is why we feel strongly about an open-adoption plan. We want your child to always know who you are and the selfless act you made for them. Your child will grow up loved, encouraged, and passionate about life. He/she will grow up in a home that teaches and practices tolerance, accountability and understanding. There will always be dogs and cats to play with. Two parents who love and respect each other madly, an older brother and sister, a great big extended family, memories filled with family gatherings, vacations, holidays, hugs and kisses.

In many ways we are the average blended family. Mr. M brought from a previous relationship two wonderful children. "Q" is 16 and "S" is 12. I (S) could never imagine in my wildest dreams that I would have two respectful, loving and compassionate step-children. I am privileged to have such close relationships with both of them. "Q" lives with us full time visiting his bio-mother during the summers and "S" spends every summer and Christmas at our home.

In other ways we aren’t average. I (S) am a wheelchair user. I have been using a wheelchair for the past 14 years. When I was 12 I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. If you’re not familiar with it, don’t worry, we hope to answer many of your questions throughout the following pages. Our goal is not to deter you from seeing the wheelchair, but to encourage you to understand that being in a wheelchair in no way diminishes the ability to parent your child.

Sincerely,

Mr. M & S

How I met your Father Part #1

I remember the day I knew I was going to be with Mr. M for the rest of my life. I was 21 and had met him for the first time. I wasn’t looking for love or a relationship. It wasn’t love at first sight, actually I wasn’t even interested. A friend had brought me over for a BBQ and I was just the “buffer friend”. You know the one you take with you who fills the awkward silences, makes the jokes and will fake a seizure to get you out of a bad date (well maybe not the last one, but you get it), that was me. I sat in the living room while everyone was being introduced and our host, Mr. M went to get the food. I will never forget this moment; he was walking from his kitchen to the dining room with a plate of BBQ chicken. I looked up at him and my immediate thought was, “I’m going to marry him”.  It all happened so quick I didn’t even realize I thought it. I shook it out of my head trying to rationalize with myself that I 1. didn’t even know this man, 2. He wasn’t my “type” and 3. Umm, did I mention I didn’t even know him? The evening went along pleasant enough with me preforming my “buffer friend” duties. Mr. M isn’t subtle so I knew he had an interest in me but like I said I was too busy convincing myself I wasn’t interested.  But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself (and I’m pretty stubborn) that I wasn’t interested it didn’t last long. After a few into-the-night phone conversations I had to admit to myself that I might be falling in love…

To be continued…

Quote of the Day

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

~Author Unknown

Home Visit #1/Encouragement...

Hiya!

Today we are scheduled for our first Home Assessment visit. I'm full of a million emotions but I feel better about this appointment than the last one; hopefully no "break-downs" after this one. Also, we will be talking about my favoritest topic in the whole world....ME, US!!!! Easy Peasy!

AL sent me and Mr. M the assessment questions last week. I wanted to try and get it all filled out before today, but I wasn't successful.  One would think that answering questions about yourself, your family, upbringing, everything you have ever thought, said, felt.

I suggest that everyone have to fill out these type of questionnaires. Not to qualify for anything, but they spark some interesting discussion points between you and your partner. Sometimes looking at the cold, hard facts of your life can make you seem like someone you aren’t.

 For instance, when we were filling out Joe’s marital history. Most of you know, he has been married before…twice. I KNOW the situation, but on paper, especially the dates, don’t look good.

My amazing step-son came into our lives when he was 9. Again, you might know the story (sorry if you don’t but that’s a bit much to share online), on paper, don’t look good.

My disability, I get it, I know what I can and cannot do, on paper, you get the drill. I just hope that when we meet with AL today we are able to convey WHO we really are… in life, real life, not just on paper.

Anywho… I wanted to share a post that I made last month on the Adoptive Families website. I posted it, got some nice responses and forgot about it. Today, I was checking out the site and remembered my post. There was a new comment that made me feel so much better about this adoption and my disability.

Thank you Andrea25 for encouraging me with your success story.

Read on my little chickaroos…

My post:

After 10 years of infertility we had truly given up. I thought I could be ok raising my DH’s daughter (during summers and vacations) and his son (15) full time. Don’t get me wrong, I adore them, and they return the love tenfold. But something is still missing. I want to be someone’s Mom.
I have Muscular Dystrophy and use a power wheelchair. It’s a part of who I am. I’m still 100% woman/human, so I was always surprised when I expressed my deep desire to have children that people would look at me like I have 9 heads.

“Why would you want a baby? It would be too hard for you? If you get pregnant the baby could be like YOU” (that particular nasty one was from a fertility Dr. who refused to help us)

But I’ve never been one to fit into stereotypes. Like all of the other successes in my life, having a child will be a reality. So when my DH and I finally made the decision to adopt, I was over the moon when I explained my disability to the worker at the agency she replied, “Being in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you can’t be a Mom.”  Wow! Without even knowing it this woman only reaffirmed my thoughts exactly. For once, it clicks. This is what I want.

We are at the beginning of the beginning, just turned in our application and fee. Finishing up the packet and need to schedule a Home Assessment.  So, I’m here, I’m nervous, excited and every other emotion in the world.

Comment:

Hi Sunniemom!!

I read your post and felt that I needed to respond.  My husband is quadriplegic and wheelchair bound.  In our late 20’s we decided we wanted to start a family, so we joined the fertility roller coaster.  After several rounds of IVF, we decided to adopt.

Our family and friends were very supportive, but we knew what everyone was thinking - how are they going to do this? 

My husband and I know that everything in our life is harder, more expensive and more challenging.  Adoption was just another challenge.  When we sought out an open adoption agency (we talked to many), but they said we would have a longer wait because he was in a wheelchair.  Obviously we found an agency that was supportive.

Long story short, we went through the paperwork, doctor appts, home studies, etc etc.  From the time our letters went into circulation to the time our little man was placed in our arms, 16 months!  Now our little one is 15 months and just the joy of our lives.

He LOVES riding around on his DaDa’s lap and has learned to stand on the foot pedals and go for a ride.

Since you have a strong desire to be a mom, please stick with it!!  Yes, it can be overwhelming and trying, but when you look at your child’s face, nothing else in the world matters.

Many prayers to you!!

Step-kids Pt.1

I don't have time to blog but I just have to say this:

I have the BEST step-kids in the entire world!!!!! I am so lucky! I love them more than I could ever have imagined and they love and respect me in return.

BTW-Mr.M isn't so bad himself. ;) He is an amazing father, amazing husband and the hottest thing since wheelchair brakes (imagine where I'd be if those weren't invented hahha)

How the heck did I get so freakin lucky!?!?!?!??!

We are ready for you 'Baby', we ALL can't wait to meet you and share all this LOVE.

Till next time...

“BUZZ! WRONG!!"

2 posts in 1 day? I'm feeling a little chatty today. Don't get used to it. ;)

Our first visit for the Home Assessment is scheduled for this coming Wednesday, June 15^th. I’m excited to get this show on the road but I’m also terribly nervous. When Mr. M and I first met our Adoption counselor (we’ll call her Adoption Lady-AL for short) on Tuesday I was super stressing. I kept thinking that everything we said, well I’m a little judgmental, everything Mr. M said, was going to ruin our chances. Like if AL had a buzzer and when we said something “wrong” she’d BUZZ us and the floor would go out beneath us and we’d end up in the abyss of childless couples.

“BUZZ! WRONG!! No baby for you!!!!!!!”

Not to mention that the guy who will be working on our roof showed up at the same time and Mr. M had to keep getting up to show him something. All in all, we were 100% ourselves. We said weird things; we were funny, asked questions and that sort of things. The kids (step-kids, S and Q) were playing video games and my brother was hanging out with them. They chimed in every once and a while and I think AL got a good idea of what kind of family we are. So tell me why as soon as she walked out the door and Mr. M turned to me and said, “I think that went pretty good” I started

BALLING MY EYES OUT?!?!!?!?!?!?

 What? It went well. I know, it was probably all the stress but if I start balling after just meeting with AL how am I going to get through the rest of this??

Will I be able to get past the wait, the disappointment, the rejection, the longing???

Stay tuned…

Sassy hair

In celebration of my recent minimal weight loss (hey, every success should be celebrated) I went and got myself a sassy new do. J Ok, so it was just another excuse to go to the salon, but yea. It’s straight right now and goes a little below my shoulders which is short for me since my hair was almost down to my bootay when straight. I’m sure it will shrink up to a curly fro after I wash it but that’s ok, I was in the market for a new look anyway.

During different phases in my life I’ve taken on different looks. I’ve always loved doing different styles with my hair and makeup and for some reason a new ‘do seems to do something for the ‘tude.

Welcome

So after realizing that I'm the last person on the planet not to have a blog, I've decided that I want to be a follower. :) Really though, my mom has always given me the best advice. She told me whenever I'm going through a difficult time or have tons of things on my mind, write. Write, write, write. Write lists ( I have tons of those), write my feelings, write notes, write letters,write. So here I go.

I'm not sure where to begin so I'll start....here... now. If you don't know me and you get a little lost, be patient, I'm so random and non-linear so I'll probably fill in the gaps along the way.

After being diagnosed with Limb-girdle Muscular Dystrophy 18 years ago having babies wasn't on my list of to-dos. Well, I was 12 so picking out cribs wasn't as important as just trying to be a normal teen. Yea, not such luck there, but I digress. So, when I starting doing the do, of course I used birth control. Before Mr. M and I decided to be serious we used protection. Is this relevant to the story Shanell? Yes, I'm getting there. Two years into our relationship I stopped taking the pill. We weren't planning to have a baby but we knew this was 'forever' so if it happened it happened.

Years went by and nothing.
Whew...ok, it wasn't meant to be.
Maybe another time, maybe later.
Ok, maybe after we got married.
Nope.
After the move.
Nope.
After school is over, after, after, after.
No, it never happened. It hasn't happened, it won't happen.
We have to accept that. I have to accept that.

I want to be pregnant more than I want air. (Althought the two wouldn't work together) Sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I feel like everyone is pregnant and I'm not. Like it's some mean joke. Yet another club I haven't been accepted in.

Being in a wheelchair I feel like people look at me as asexual. "Oh why would she want a baby? She can't even walk." They look at me like some faceless person on wheels. But then if I DO have feelings, if they get hurt, if I am sensitive than "oh she's just an angry women in a wheelchair!" Why can't I just be a woman who wants a family? Why isn't it ok for me to want to have a little girl with my freckles and Mr. M's blue eyes? Why can't I ache to hear "I love you Mommy"?

Oh, is it ok to be tired of hearing "it's just not your time" "it'll happen, you just have to relax" "stop trying and it'll happen"

Ok, ummmmm...my time is NOW, because I want it. Relax? Hmmmmmm...yea not thinking that just relaxing will do it. And, my favorite... if I stop trying...(stop having sex, cause that's the 'trying') I'm no doctor but it WON'T happen.

Speaking of doctors, we did go to a fertility doctor. He refused to help us. He said, "If you just get pregnant, then we will help you but I won't help you get pregnant. What if the baby turns out like you (with muscular dystrophy)? Ouch!

Ha! Well at least my kid would be cute!

Anywhoo...see don't I digress? LOL I told you I'd be all over the place. The POINT, Mr.M and I are going through the adoption process. We are having a baby! Well ok, not having a baby but you know. We have signed with an agency, met with our worker and will have the 1st of our 4 home visits for our Home Assessment next Wednesday. This is going to quite the journey. Like so many other memorable moments in my life I want to be able to look back on this one. I want to be able to look back and laugh at the funny stuff and cry at the sad stuff. You are welcome to join me. Follow us on yet another "adventure".

P.S-While you read, know that I am not checking spelling or grammer. I won't be re-reading after I write. I do that all day at work. These are my honest and true thoughts, no edits!! Ohhhhh, I'm so crazy! What a nerd.

Until next time...