So after realizing that I'm the last person on the planet not to have a blog, I've decided that I want to be a follower. :) Really though, my mom has always given me the best advice. She told me whenever I'm going through a difficult time or have tons of things on my mind, write. Write, write, write. Write lists ( I have tons of those), write my feelings, write notes, write letters,write. So here I go.
I'm not sure where to begin so I'll start....here... now. If you don't know me and you get a little lost, be patient, I'm so random and non-linear so I'll probably fill in the gaps along the way.
After being diagnosed with Limb-girdle Muscular Dystrophy 18 years ago having babies wasn't on my list of to-dos. Well, I was 12 so picking out cribs wasn't as important as just trying to be a normal teen. Yea, not such luck there, but I digress. So, when I starting doing the do, of course I used birth control. Before Mr. M and I decided to be serious we used protection. Is this relevant to the story Shanell? Yes, I'm getting there. Two years into our relationship I stopped taking the pill. We weren't planning to have a baby but we knew this was 'forever' so if it happened it happened.
Years went by and nothing.
Whew...ok, it wasn't meant to be.
Maybe another time, maybe later.
Ok, maybe after we got married.
After the move.
After school is over, after, after, after.
No, it never happened. It hasn't happened, it won't happen.
We have to accept that. I have to accept that.
I want to be pregnant more than I want air. (Althought the two wouldn't work together) Sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I feel like everyone is pregnant and I'm not. Like it's some mean joke. Yet another club I haven't been accepted in.
Being in a wheelchair I feel like people look at me as asexual. "Oh why would she want a baby? She can't even walk." They look at me like some faceless person on wheels. But then if I DO have feelings, if they get hurt, if I am sensitive than "oh she's just an angry women in a wheelchair!" Why can't I just be a woman who wants a family? Why isn't it ok for me to want to have a little girl with my freckles and Mr. M's blue eyes? Why can't I ache to hear "I love you Mommy"?
Oh, is it ok to be tired of hearing "it's just not your time" "it'll happen, you just have to relax" "stop trying and it'll happen"
Ok, ummmmm...my time is NOW, because I want it. Relax? Hmmmmmm...yea not thinking that just relaxing will do it. And, my favorite... if I stop trying...(stop having sex, cause that's the 'trying') I'm no doctor but it WON'T happen.
Speaking of doctors, we did go to a fertility doctor. He refused to help us. He said, "If you just get pregnant, then we will help you but I won't help you get pregnant. What if the baby turns out like you (with muscular dystrophy)? Ouch!
Ha! Well at least my kid would be cute!
Anywhoo...see don't I digress? LOL I told you I'd be all over the place. The POINT, Mr.M and I are going through the adoption process. We are having a baby! Well ok, not having a baby but you know. We have signed with an agency, met with our worker and will have the 1st of our 4 home visits for our Home Assessment next Wednesday. This is going to quite the journey. Like so many other memorable moments in my life I want to be able to look back on this one. I want to be able to look back and laugh at the funny stuff and cry at the sad stuff. You are welcome to join me. Follow us on yet another "adventure".
P.S-While you read, know that I am not checking spelling or grammer. I won't be re-reading after I write. I do that all day at work. These are my honest and true thoughts, no edits!! Ohhhhh, I'm so crazy! What a nerd.
Until next time...