Monday, July 11, 2011

I'm a lover not a fighter

I haven’t posted since my brother left. I guess you could say I was trying to “hide” from anything that reminds me of him. It’s better now. The day he left I felt a huge pang in my gut. Like someone had punched me and I was hunched over gasping for air. Dramatic, I know. I am, always have been. I’d like to think it adds to my charm. Really though, I was taught to love with all that I have and when you do that, it hurts.

Last week AL came by for our last Home visit before she can write up our Home Study. So now, we wait… She said it should take her about 2 weeks to write up our Home Study. Then we take a look at it, add or edit, then wait on “approval”. Ug! Growing up I never got “picked” for anything or won contests. Although I’ve always been “different” I’ve never really stood out for anything exceptional. I am NOT competitive in the least and would rather give in then “fight”. So, I’m hoping that this process is not like that. This time I want to “win”. I want this child that I’ve never met, done know and may not even be born or conceived at this moment, so bad I ache. I feel it with every pore in my body. It’s one of the few things that I’ve ever wanted so bad that I’m willing to “fight”. Hopefully we won’t have to.

I finally completed our profile book that will be handed out to potential birth mothers. There are still some typos I need to correct and AL wants me to send it to her first. After she OK’s it or suggests edits I’ll be able to order 5 copies of it! It sucks that most people get chosen based on their books but if that’s the game, I better play. I’m not too creative so I purchased a digital scrapbooking program. It’s pretty straight forward but it was a LOT of work. I was hoping to be able to print the pages myself (cost saver) and put them in an album but so far my test prints don’t look very good.  I’m going to keep trying but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to break down and order the books.

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