Copy Cat!

I haven't written in a while. I get like that... I didn't make a big fuss when we were Home Study approved. Well, I posted it on Facebook but I didn't write a blog about it. But in Adoption Blog world it's a HUGE deal. They call it being "Paper Pregnant".

It's just hard for me to say that I'm pregnant of any kind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that in order to fully commit myself to the adoption process, I had to mourn my dreams of being pregnant. I had to grieve that idea, the images and fantasies. I had to get out of my mind the image of a positive pregnancy test, the first Dr.'s visit, morning sickness, flutters, weight gain, belly pictures, back aches, Mr.M talking to my stomach, all the pregnancy dreams I ever had. So, yea, it's hard to say, "I'm paper pregnant!" For others that works for them, but for me I feel like I'm pretending, I'm faking it to make it. Anyway.... I hadn't planned on blogging today but that one just came out.

I have been blog stalking though and I came across a post that I could have written myself. I didn't though. This women seemed to write exactly what I feel. I don't know her but I've made sure to put her blog addy on here so you don't think I'm a real faker. Is that an oxymoron? I love that word, "oxymoron". LOL

The Great Divide

Posted on April 14, 2011 by adoptchange 

http://adoptchange.wordpress.com/

You’re pregnant…I’m paper pregnant (aka: have a completed home study)

You’re reading pregnancy books and parenting books…I’m reading adoption blogs and birth mother profiles

You’re decorating a nursery…I’m decorating an adoption scrapbook for birth mothers to review

You’re scared of stretch marks and how you are going to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight…I’m scared of the potential health consequences of not ever being pregnant (increased cancer risk, etc.)

You’re worried if breastfeeding will hurt…I’m worried how baby and wallet friendly bottle feeding will be

You’re researching baby products to find out their safety ratings…I’m researching the effects of drugs and alcohol in case I’m presented with a case where one or both were used during the pregnancy

You’re wondering who the baby will look more like…I’m wondering how the world around me will react if my baby is of another race than me

You’re stressed about your portion of the hospital bill for the birth…I’m stressed about the mountains and mountains of legal fees I’m going to have to pay

You’re counting down the days until your due date…I’m counting the days that have passed since I completed my home study with no adoption placement in sight

You’re enjoying baby showers and the attention that comes with being pregnant…I’m *trying* to enjoy the quietness that stills exists in my life for now (and will continue for an undisclosed period of time)

You’re not sleeping thanks to the baby’s moments…I’m not sleeping thanks to not having a baby and wondering when it will happen

You’re nesting…I’m dying to nest

You’re deciding if you should start a college fund now…I’m deciding what items I’ll pay a birth mother for during her pregnancy (clothes, transportation, medical, rent, etc.)

You’re excited and nervous for what the future will hold for your baby…I’m excited and nervous for what the future will hold for my baby

You’re becoming a mom through biology…I’m becoming a mom through love

by adoptchange 

http://adoptchange.wordpress.com/

If one more "professional" tells me...

how difficult it will be to be chosen by a birthmother, I'm going to flip!!!

Don't know if you are all familiar with my situation but here's the Cliff notes version.

I have Muscular Dystrophy, use a wheelchair, work full-time, volunteer, advocate, yada yada. My "husband" of 9 years and I are not legally married.

Not by choice.

We had a ceremony and live like every other married couple.

IF we were to legally marry than I would lose my medical insurance and personal care attendants’ (which I need for daily living). Our incomes would be combined and I would then be ineligible for my medical and with a pre-existing condition... you get it.

Well... we are with an agency but I've also been looking into other places. I always explain the situation, I normally get a

"Sorry but we find that unmarried couples are not stable and don't get picked by BM's"

Got it. Fine. I understand but it seems like lately more and more doors have been shut in our faces. I had one place send me a page of reasons why BM’s don’t pick unmarried couples.

"Contact us when you get married."

 Or all the grants and loans say "husband" and "wife" "Date of marriage".

 Ug... on top of that yesterday I was talking with a lawyer and he said,

"Because you are disabled your chances of being chosen by a BM are much lower."

Yes-thank you, I know! Hey, that's my life. It's harder.

"Oh you're right Mr.Lawyer man. What was I  thinking? I forgot that I am damaged goods and why should I be allowed to experience the joys and pains of motherhood? My Bad! I'll just roll back under the rock I came from and you won't have any trouble outa me"

HA! I'm tough. I'm a fighter! But when it's something that is so near to my heart. Something so important, don't step on my dreams.

A birthmother will pick us. Why? Because we are awesome! Duh! So, there!

****For my next rant and rave I will be complaining about our AL and her supervisor! Our HomeStudy was suppossed to be complete early this month. It is now almost Septemeber and her supervisor has not signed off on it!!!!!! Without the HomeStudy we can't do ANYTHING!!!! No grants/loans/inquiries into kiddos. NADA!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?????

j/k-I'll try to be more patient. :)

Five years ago today

Five years ago today I made the best decision of my life. I proclaimed my love, commitment and loyalty to my best friend and life partner. On July 22, 2006 Mr. M and I exchanged vows promising to always be there for one another, treat each other in a loving way (even when we aren’t feeling very loving), respectful, open, forsaking any other for the rest of our lives. If given the opportunity again, knowing everything I know now. All the arguments, difficult times, moves, beginnings, endings, sorrows, blessings and every-days, I would make those same vows all over again.

To this day, and since the first day we met over 9 years ago, I still get butterflies and goose bumps when my husband kisses me or smiles my way. When he walks into a room there is a hush, everyone seems to know that someone important and special has entered. Could this get even mushier? The mushiest thing of all, I truly feel these things.

I’ve always believed that the universe had a way of balancing itself out; everything happens for a reason; a yin for every yang. Maybe because I’m disabled, <enter chosen deity or belief here> the Universe, Mother Earth or God guided me to my life partner so early on. I was 21 when I met Mr. M. It was like I heard

 “Ok, so this wheelchair thing sucks, but I’m going to make up for it with this guy. Enjoy.”

To which I say, “It’s cool, I get it. Thanks for the boobs too”. J (I prayed for big boobs when I was 8)

I love you Mr. M, today, tomorrow and forever…

Ouch, that hurt!

I was reading through some posts on-line about adoption, like usual. One title really caught my eye. It said something along the lines of “Agency turned us down because of medical history”. A woman was talking about how she and her husband were trying to adopt from Russia and they were denied because she has Marfan's (I had to look it up too) and her husband is bi-polar. Yadayada, not the point. Well, that did scare me since I am physically disabled but I “hear” that other countries are more stringent when it comes to parents with disabilities, so it didn’t get to me too much since we are adopting domestically.

Anyway, a woman responded with her own frustrations having  Marfan's and adopting; very understandable. But she continued and said something like, “My doctors say I’m fine, it’s not like I’m an invalid.” Ouch, that hurt!

I know I know, it’s not like she was saying, “At least I’m not an invalid like that dumb chick Shanell who thinks that she’s going to adopt!” But that’s what I heard. It’s not fair to pick on this woman, she is probably sweet as candy but that’s my reality.

I am an invalid. I am in a wheelchair. I can’t dress myself, bathe myself, brush my own hair, or take a shower by myself. I need help to do most everything. I don’t get the benefit of the doubt. I can explain and explain and explain but everyone already looked at me and saw me for what I am, an invalid. (Booooooooooooo for self-pity. Boooooooooooooooooooo)

So why do I want a baby so bad? Why? Even if I could get pregnant, it would be such a struggle. My body probably couldn’t handle it anyway. I’d be weaker, it would be harder, I wouldn’t be able to work. I don’t want that, but I want a baby. A few months ago I contacted a fertility clinic. The lady was excited to help me but said they couldn’t unless I had a letter from my doctor saying I was healthy enough to have a baby. Yea, that put a stop to that one. I hate that crack heads can pop out 10 babies, are they healthy enough to have a baby? “It’s not like I’m a crack head!” Sorry if I offended any crack heads out there.

More to come Chickies! I’m feeling chatty today!

Limbo…not the game

Now I feel like we are sort of in a limbo of sorts. Our book is still being review by our AL and her supervisor. AL is writing up our Home Study and I’m, well… I’m going crazy! I’m much better when I have something to do, a goal, a timeline. Not to say that I was particular excited about the mountain of paperwork, fingerprints, time creating the book, but at least I felt like I was doing something.

To pass the time, sometimes Mr. M and I look at the kiddos available for adoption through the state. Every state has photolisting of kiddos that need Forever Families. We like to keep all of our options open so we look at those. Ideally I want a newborn. For me, I want the entire experience of being a mom. I want to experience all these things with Mr. M. For him, that part isn’t so important. He wants to be a Daddy again. He would bring home any kid needing a home and love them as his own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stone cold monster kicking kids to the curb, I just have a different need at this time. Selfish…but isn’t wanting a child selfish anyway? I mean, most people want kids to pass on their genes, family names, features, etc. A littler version of themselves, no?  Anywhoo, I digress. I saw the two most beautifulist kiddos. The Girl is 3 and the Boy is 1. They are siblings. I forwarded Mr. M their pics and he wrote back “Those are our kids”. Admittedly I did get a little excited. They are young enough to bond with us but old enough to be a little more self-sufficient. Best of both worlds, right? I called the contact number, no answer. I emailed them. They responded with a generic, "Thanks for your interest in “Girl” and “Boy” email. I call again, I email again, I call again, I email again…. Don’t these people know we’d be the best parents for these babies??? Guess not. If we were able to adopt from the foster care system a lot of our financial worries would be alleviated. Meaning, more $$ to spend on the babies!!!! But no one will get back to us. I asked AL last time she came by and she said that her agency doesn’t work with state kids. L I don’t know how satisfied I am with AL at this point anyway. I know it’s just the beginning but I don’t get the vibes from her that she likes us. Sounds silly but in order to convey to a birthmother that a certain couple should parent her child, she should like us. People can sense inauthenticity and I don’t want that getting in the way. I contacted another agency that gives more options. They work with Foster-to-adopt as well. Also, they don’t accept Home Studies from other places UNLESS you want to adopt a black baby. Ah! Yea! Pick me, pick me! It’s ridiculous to me that children should be separated out like that but whatever. Mr. M and I don’t care about race. I mean we do, we understand our society views things and all that crap but when it comes to bringing a baby home to love and raise, it wouldn’t matter if it was green with antlers.

This process is enough to make one pull their hair out and sit in a corner rocking and mumbling. I KNOW everything will work out. I KNOW our child(ren) will join us when it the right time. I KNOW all with be right, but I don’t want to wait. I want it NOW NOW NOW!!! J

Later chickaroos!

I'm a lover not a fighter

I haven’t posted since my brother left. I guess you could say I was trying to “hide” from anything that reminds me of him. It’s better now. The day he left I felt a huge pang in my gut. Like someone had punched me and I was hunched over gasping for air. Dramatic, I know. I am, always have been. I’d like to think it adds to my charm. Really though, I was taught to love with all that I have and when you do that, it hurts.

Last week AL came by for our last Home visit before she can write up our Home Study. So now, we wait… She said it should take her about 2 weeks to write up our Home Study. Then we take a look at it, add or edit, then wait on “approval”. Ug! Growing up I never got “picked” for anything or won contests. Although I’ve always been “different” I’ve never really stood out for anything exceptional. I am NOT competitive in the least and would rather give in then “fight”. So, I’m hoping that this process is not like that. This time I want to “win”. I want this child that I’ve never met, done know and may not even be born or conceived at this moment, so bad I ache. I feel it with every pore in my body. It’s one of the few things that I’ve ever wanted so bad that I’m willing to “fight”. Hopefully we won’t have to.

I finally completed our profile book that will be handed out to potential birth mothers. There are still some typos I need to correct and AL wants me to send it to her first. After she OK’s it or suggests edits I’ll be able to order 5 copies of it! It sucks that most people get chosen based on their books but if that’s the game, I better play. I’m not too creative so I purchased a digital scrapbooking program. It’s pretty straight forward but it was a LOT of work. I was hoping to be able to print the pages myself (cost saver) and put them in an album but so far my test prints don’t look very good.  I’m going to keep trying but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to break down and order the books.

Sad day...(UPDATED)

If you didn't guess by the title, today is a sad day. (Audience says "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww") <insert overexagerrated sad face>

My brother is moving. He has been living with us since October of '10. He has been invaluable to our family and he is just freaking awesome to be around. He isn't just my brother, he is my best friend. I know he has to "do his own thing" and I find comfort in knowing that he will be successful but I'm sad he is leaving. We've had to say "bye" too many times in our lives. With an 8 year age difference so many of our pivitol moments weren't at the same times. He was only 12 when I went to college. I hated leaving him then. I would have taken him with me if I could. He's 22 (in a few days) now and I'm 30 and it sure doesn't hurt any less.

I take solace in knowing that he will be back soon to visit, but there's nothing like having your best friend/brother around 24/7.

I'm so proud of you! Love you! Have fun!

SO AFTER DELAY AFTER DELAY AND CANCELLATION AFTER CANCELLATION MY POOR BROTHER HAD TO GET ON A DIFFERENT FLIGHT AT 7 THIS MORNING! WE DROPPED HIM OFF AT THE AIRPORT AT 2 AND HE COULDN'T GET A ROOM OR ANYTHING TILL 630! AT LEAST EVERYTHING WORKED OUT AND HE IS ON HIS WAY. THERE WERE A FEW CASUALITIES ALONG THE WAY. THE POOR DRY CLEANER GUY WAS CALLING AND TEXTING ABOUT A PAIR OF PANTS WHILE I'M TRYING TO FIGURE STUFF OUT FOR MY BROTHER. HE ENDED UP GETTING AN EARFUL FROM A VERY FRUSTRATED ME. OOOPS, SORRY DRY CLEANER GUY.